Writing and especially writing about your experiences in life has never been easy. Here I am with the final part of it. After six years down the road and innumerable distractions in the way, it is time to finish what was started as an outlet of my emotions and feelings which can never be spoken of or listened to. The joy of writing is the imagination and the way people picture how it happened irrespective of how it happened.
I came back to my college in the temple town of Thanjavur or Tanjore. Having safely made it back via Chennai without letting anyone in my family know I was in Hyderabad or in Chennai. Somehow making it back to a place where you are comfortable or made it like home makes it a lot better than being with your love in a strange place. Weird. Isn't it? I felt it was.
I completed the rest of my 4-5 months in college with the frequent calls to her and daily recharge. It took me that much time to pay back the money I took from my friends to do the trip. Thanks to mess fees and to Dad. I came back to Chennai after my final exams and sadly I didn't miss college or cry like many of my friends did. For some reason I didn't feel the separation from something which has given me hundreds of friends and acquaintances. Not a drop of tear or sadness. Of course I wouldn't have the same late night chats with friends or a game of volleyball in the hostel grounds nor being witness to the arguments on which film actor is better or not.
The rest of the vacation or the time between getting the call from the company I was placed into was spent in hanging out with friends in cinema halls, beaches, hookah and the newly sprung up malls. The malls. Wow. This was life teaching me about what a milder version of cheating or distraction from your love feels like. It was a normal day of window shopping or looking at girls in the mall. Girls is the reason guys go to the mall for. We were going to the hookah lounge upstairs and taking the escalator when I first laid my eyes on her. Her high pitched laughter made me notice her and she was a beauty. A frail girl with a nose ring and wonderful features. Our eyes met for a couple of seconds and for some reason I didn't move my gaze away from her, which is normally the case when you ogle or look at a beautiful girl. It was just a couple of seconds. My friends and I went to the rooftop and had some hookah, blew some smoke rings and a couple of hours had already passed. We thought of leaving since it was already 6 in the evening, have a snack and get home.
We came down the escalator and there she was. She was part of a group of girls trying their hand in part time jobs trying to market an Internet dongle from a reputed company of that time. One of my friend noticed her and we were just looking at her. And he asked me whether I wanted to go and talk to her. Just to make a conversation. I obliged. We went to her and I could feel the attraction between us. She had a smile and I felt she wanted me to talk to her. The thought that a girl is attracted to you makes a guy go nuts and crazy. For a moment I forgot I had a girl 900 kms away and I started chatting with her. She started explaining some technical stuff and the pricing of the dongle she was marketing and she went to get the manager guy who knew much details about. I was pretending to be listening to him with my eyes always on her all the time. After all the talk she came up with a sheet of paper with names and numbers on it. She asked me if I wanted to give my name and number so that they may call if they get any good offers on the Internet package. Wow. She was asking asking for my name and number. And this was the first time it has ever happened in my life. I jotted down my number and name on the sheet of paper and gave it to her with a smile. I knew she was going to text me.
"Hi. This is the girl whom you met at the mall" was the text I got from her later that night. And I was excited. I forgot about my girl and started texting her the whole night after cutting short the phone call with my girlfriend in Hyderabad. We even agreed to meet the next day in the beach nearby to my place. I was diving deep down into a "bottomless" abyss. It went on for a week or two and things started getting serious. We chatted in the Yahoo IM, texted and I was flirting with her. I didn't realize what I was up to until she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. It hit me that time. I felt guilty and came to my senses. I was avoiding my girlfriend or giving excuses not to talk so that I can text her and now this girl is asking me to be her lover. I had to let my girlfriend know about this. I had to get it off my chest. All the excitement and the harmless flirting has turned into something monstrous and I had a feeling I am going to do something stupid.
I called my girlfriend in Hyderabad that night and told her about the girl I met at the mall and the texts we have been sending each other. She felt cheated and told me she has to think about us and that it has been a great mistake. I felt a huge ball of guilt blocking my heart and throat. I wanted to let out my feelings. Maybe the thought of me getting dumped was huge to my ego and I started begging and pleading to her to give me another chance. I even begged to her friends to let them know how I felt about her. It went on for another couple of nights and then I gave up. I called her and told her that I have come to the last of my begging and that I am sorry for everything and I hung up the phone.
Maybe every single human wants to be wanted and liked. The need for someone to rely or be with. The thought of losing someone is always hard for people. The realization that you are not going to be wanted anymore makes them act differently. She called me and said she wants me too. I was riding the crest of the wave and somehow I felt it will be the last crest I would ever reach. I felt I never loved her in the first place and it was just an egotistical experience to see how being wanted felt like. Irony is, my ego didn't want to let anything go. I didn't want to let her go. It was the first(hopefully the last?) adultery I had committed in my life, even though there was no physical touch involved.
On the pretext of going to a job interview, in fact I really had an interview. I booked a ticket to Hyderabad for a week and my parents agreed to the same. Strange how parents always have a weak spot for the younger son when they don't allow the older one to do anything. I spent New Year's eve with my friends while my older brother wasn't allowed to do so and he had complained about the partiality to them. I reached Hyderabad and stayed in my friend's place and had my formals on for the interview the same day. I reached the offices of the company and they told me to drop the resume and shove off. No interview. Nothing. Just drop the resume and leave. I told them about the call I had got and how I was supposed to be having a meeting with them. They said that it is a standard procedure for everyone. I felt betrayed. And I felt it was not the only thing which was about to happen that week.
I called my girlfriend and told her about the disappointment I had faced. I wanted to meet her and she agreed to meet in a mall. She told she will come with one of her friends (whom I had begged to before). I met both of them and they were shopping while I tried to do some small talk. It wasn't working at all. It was so obvious to both of us. It was like a wall has been erected between us. Nothing to talk about and nothing to smile or laugh about. It wasn't going to last long but still the Leo in me didn't want to give up. After an indifferent lunch and some small talk, they both started to leave. And that was the last time I was going to see her. Period. I grabbed an auto rickshaw and started home while she climbed on to her friend's two wheeler and rode off leaving her hugely unsuccessful and difficult, short relationship behind.
I didn't meet her for the next two days and my angry self came to the forefront again. I traveled about 900 Kms to meet her and she didn't even text me. I was selfish. What she was going through didn't matter me at all. I wanted to have my way. I wanted things to happen how I wanted them to happen. I sent an rather sarcastic, indifferent text to her and she texted back saying its all over between us and that she was sorry for everything. I was enraged. How can she do that? I came all the way over for her and she is doing this to me? TO ME? I called her that night and I was practically shouting at her, with my friend reminding me to keep my voice down so that his parents don't hear my screaming. I was crying and made her cry. I never thought how she felt about it. She was living with her parents, her younger sister and she was crying too. I was selfish. "How could you do this to me?" I never thought I will ever use the word against her. I used it. I told her to "F*** Off". That was the nail on my coffin. I regretted it the next day though. The anger, the disappointment. Everything had formed into huge ball of words which made me regret.
Anger is the source of any downfall. Anger which is always the end result of anything when things doesn't go your way. If you didn't get the video game console you had always wanted, you cry at your parents. If you didn't get to go to the school excursion trip you shout or stop talking to them. But the thing with your parents' is that one smack on her cheek and you come back to your senses. They will still love you the next day. But not someone you knew for a year. You piss or hurt someone, they let you go. You aren't worth the words let alone be a part of their life. The calmer self came to the forefront and I apologized to her for my choice of words. But she was the gentle calm self. She didn't ask me to go f*** myself or anything. She calmly asked me to accept her as another friend or she will stop talking to me. She was in the driver's seat now. I was the guy who either had to accept things and know my place or risk losing the friendship too. I could never be her friend. I wanted to be her love. I wanted to have her in my life. I wanted to make love to her. Raise kids with her.
The week was up and I left for home. She sent me a farewell text message and she said she was sorry for everything. We had broken up. Although I texted her for the next couple of months. A one way communication of course.
I had experienced what love and being wanted felt like. Not to brag but I also realized that, I had what it takes to woo women. For the next 5-6 years of my life, I have put it to test and pulled out at the last minute before things got serious. I don't know whether I am capable of loving someone forever. The thought of being with a girl for the rest of your life is terrifying. Maybe it is also because I haven't met the perfect one or The One. Only time will tell.
I want to end this blog with a quote from the famous and my favorite actor Jack Nicholson:
"When you look at life retrospectively, you rarely regret anything that you did, but you might regret things that you didn't do."
Till then. Ta-ta.
PS: The girl whom I met in the mall is married now and I tried to get things going with her after the breakup but then she didn't want me. Another quote "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush". I didn't have any in the end :)
I came back to my college in the temple town of Thanjavur or Tanjore. Having safely made it back via Chennai without letting anyone in my family know I was in Hyderabad or in Chennai. Somehow making it back to a place where you are comfortable or made it like home makes it a lot better than being with your love in a strange place. Weird. Isn't it? I felt it was.
I completed the rest of my 4-5 months in college with the frequent calls to her and daily recharge. It took me that much time to pay back the money I took from my friends to do the trip. Thanks to mess fees and to Dad. I came back to Chennai after my final exams and sadly I didn't miss college or cry like many of my friends did. For some reason I didn't feel the separation from something which has given me hundreds of friends and acquaintances. Not a drop of tear or sadness. Of course I wouldn't have the same late night chats with friends or a game of volleyball in the hostel grounds nor being witness to the arguments on which film actor is better or not.
The rest of the vacation or the time between getting the call from the company I was placed into was spent in hanging out with friends in cinema halls, beaches, hookah and the newly sprung up malls. The malls. Wow. This was life teaching me about what a milder version of cheating or distraction from your love feels like. It was a normal day of window shopping or looking at girls in the mall. Girls is the reason guys go to the mall for. We were going to the hookah lounge upstairs and taking the escalator when I first laid my eyes on her. Her high pitched laughter made me notice her and she was a beauty. A frail girl with a nose ring and wonderful features. Our eyes met for a couple of seconds and for some reason I didn't move my gaze away from her, which is normally the case when you ogle or look at a beautiful girl. It was just a couple of seconds. My friends and I went to the rooftop and had some hookah, blew some smoke rings and a couple of hours had already passed. We thought of leaving since it was already 6 in the evening, have a snack and get home.
We came down the escalator and there she was. She was part of a group of girls trying their hand in part time jobs trying to market an Internet dongle from a reputed company of that time. One of my friend noticed her and we were just looking at her. And he asked me whether I wanted to go and talk to her. Just to make a conversation. I obliged. We went to her and I could feel the attraction between us. She had a smile and I felt she wanted me to talk to her. The thought that a girl is attracted to you makes a guy go nuts and crazy. For a moment I forgot I had a girl 900 kms away and I started chatting with her. She started explaining some technical stuff and the pricing of the dongle she was marketing and she went to get the manager guy who knew much details about. I was pretending to be listening to him with my eyes always on her all the time. After all the talk she came up with a sheet of paper with names and numbers on it. She asked me if I wanted to give my name and number so that they may call if they get any good offers on the Internet package. Wow. She was asking asking for my name and number. And this was the first time it has ever happened in my life. I jotted down my number and name on the sheet of paper and gave it to her with a smile. I knew she was going to text me.
"Hi. This is the girl whom you met at the mall" was the text I got from her later that night. And I was excited. I forgot about my girl and started texting her the whole night after cutting short the phone call with my girlfriend in Hyderabad. We even agreed to meet the next day in the beach nearby to my place. I was diving deep down into a "bottomless" abyss. It went on for a week or two and things started getting serious. We chatted in the Yahoo IM, texted and I was flirting with her. I didn't realize what I was up to until she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. It hit me that time. I felt guilty and came to my senses. I was avoiding my girlfriend or giving excuses not to talk so that I can text her and now this girl is asking me to be her lover. I had to let my girlfriend know about this. I had to get it off my chest. All the excitement and the harmless flirting has turned into something monstrous and I had a feeling I am going to do something stupid.
I called my girlfriend in Hyderabad that night and told her about the girl I met at the mall and the texts we have been sending each other. She felt cheated and told me she has to think about us and that it has been a great mistake. I felt a huge ball of guilt blocking my heart and throat. I wanted to let out my feelings. Maybe the thought of me getting dumped was huge to my ego and I started begging and pleading to her to give me another chance. I even begged to her friends to let them know how I felt about her. It went on for another couple of nights and then I gave up. I called her and told her that I have come to the last of my begging and that I am sorry for everything and I hung up the phone.
Maybe every single human wants to be wanted and liked. The need for someone to rely or be with. The thought of losing someone is always hard for people. The realization that you are not going to be wanted anymore makes them act differently. She called me and said she wants me too. I was riding the crest of the wave and somehow I felt it will be the last crest I would ever reach. I felt I never loved her in the first place and it was just an egotistical experience to see how being wanted felt like. Irony is, my ego didn't want to let anything go. I didn't want to let her go. It was the first(hopefully the last?) adultery I had committed in my life, even though there was no physical touch involved.
On the pretext of going to a job interview, in fact I really had an interview. I booked a ticket to Hyderabad for a week and my parents agreed to the same. Strange how parents always have a weak spot for the younger son when they don't allow the older one to do anything. I spent New Year's eve with my friends while my older brother wasn't allowed to do so and he had complained about the partiality to them. I reached Hyderabad and stayed in my friend's place and had my formals on for the interview the same day. I reached the offices of the company and they told me to drop the resume and shove off. No interview. Nothing. Just drop the resume and leave. I told them about the call I had got and how I was supposed to be having a meeting with them. They said that it is a standard procedure for everyone. I felt betrayed. And I felt it was not the only thing which was about to happen that week.
I called my girlfriend and told her about the disappointment I had faced. I wanted to meet her and she agreed to meet in a mall. She told she will come with one of her friends (whom I had begged to before). I met both of them and they were shopping while I tried to do some small talk. It wasn't working at all. It was so obvious to both of us. It was like a wall has been erected between us. Nothing to talk about and nothing to smile or laugh about. It wasn't going to last long but still the Leo in me didn't want to give up. After an indifferent lunch and some small talk, they both started to leave. And that was the last time I was going to see her. Period. I grabbed an auto rickshaw and started home while she climbed on to her friend's two wheeler and rode off leaving her hugely unsuccessful and difficult, short relationship behind.
I didn't meet her for the next two days and my angry self came to the forefront again. I traveled about 900 Kms to meet her and she didn't even text me. I was selfish. What she was going through didn't matter me at all. I wanted to have my way. I wanted things to happen how I wanted them to happen. I sent an rather sarcastic, indifferent text to her and she texted back saying its all over between us and that she was sorry for everything. I was enraged. How can she do that? I came all the way over for her and she is doing this to me? TO ME? I called her that night and I was practically shouting at her, with my friend reminding me to keep my voice down so that his parents don't hear my screaming. I was crying and made her cry. I never thought how she felt about it. She was living with her parents, her younger sister and she was crying too. I was selfish. "How could you do this to me?" I never thought I will ever use the word against her. I used it. I told her to "F*** Off". That was the nail on my coffin. I regretted it the next day though. The anger, the disappointment. Everything had formed into huge ball of words which made me regret.
Anger is the source of any downfall. Anger which is always the end result of anything when things doesn't go your way. If you didn't get the video game console you had always wanted, you cry at your parents. If you didn't get to go to the school excursion trip you shout or stop talking to them. But the thing with your parents' is that one smack on her cheek and you come back to your senses. They will still love you the next day. But not someone you knew for a year. You piss or hurt someone, they let you go. You aren't worth the words let alone be a part of their life. The calmer self came to the forefront and I apologized to her for my choice of words. But she was the gentle calm self. She didn't ask me to go f*** myself or anything. She calmly asked me to accept her as another friend or she will stop talking to me. She was in the driver's seat now. I was the guy who either had to accept things and know my place or risk losing the friendship too. I could never be her friend. I wanted to be her love. I wanted to have her in my life. I wanted to make love to her. Raise kids with her.
The week was up and I left for home. She sent me a farewell text message and she said she was sorry for everything. We had broken up. Although I texted her for the next couple of months. A one way communication of course.
I had experienced what love and being wanted felt like. Not to brag but I also realized that, I had what it takes to woo women. For the next 5-6 years of my life, I have put it to test and pulled out at the last minute before things got serious. I don't know whether I am capable of loving someone forever. The thought of being with a girl for the rest of your life is terrifying. Maybe it is also because I haven't met the perfect one or The One. Only time will tell.
I want to end this blog with a quote from the famous and my favorite actor Jack Nicholson:
"When you look at life retrospectively, you rarely regret anything that you did, but you might regret things that you didn't do."
Till then. Ta-ta.
PS: The girl whom I met in the mall is married now and I tried to get things going with her after the breakup but then she didn't want me. Another quote "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush". I didn't have any in the end :)
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