The End

Writing and especially writing about your experiences in life has never been easy. Here I am with the final part of it. After six years down the road and innumerable distractions in the way, it is time to finish what was started as an outlet of my emotions and feelings which can never be spoken of or listened to. The joy of writing is the imagination and the way people picture how it happened irrespective of how it happened.

I came back to my college in the temple town of Thanjavur or Tanjore. Having safely made it back via Chennai without letting anyone in my family know I was in Hyderabad or in Chennai. Somehow making it back to a place where you are comfortable or made it like home makes it a lot better than being with your love in a strange place. Weird. Isn't it? I felt it was.

I completed the rest of my 4-5 months in college with the frequent calls to her and daily recharge. It took me that much time to pay back the money I took from my friends to do the trip. Thanks to mess fees and to Dad. I came back to Chennai after my final exams and sadly I didn't miss college or cry like many of my friends did. For some reason I didn't feel the separation from something which has given me hundreds of friends and acquaintances. Not a drop of tear or sadness. Of course I wouldn't have the same late night chats with friends or a game of volleyball in the hostel grounds nor being witness to the arguments on which film actor is better or not.

The rest of the vacation or the time between getting the call from the company I was placed into was spent in hanging out with friends in cinema halls, beaches, hookah and the newly sprung up malls. The malls. Wow. This was life teaching me about what a milder version of cheating or distraction from your love feels like. It was a normal day of window shopping or looking at girls in the mall. Girls is the reason guys go to the mall for. We were going to the hookah lounge upstairs and taking the escalator when I first laid my eyes on her. Her high pitched laughter made me notice her and she was a beauty. A frail girl with a nose ring and wonderful features. Our eyes met for a couple of seconds and for some reason I didn't move my gaze away from her, which is normally the case when you ogle or look at a beautiful girl. It was just a couple of seconds. My friends and I went to the rooftop and had some hookah, blew some smoke rings and a couple of hours had already passed. We thought of leaving since it was already 6 in the evening, have a snack and get home.

We came down the escalator and there she was. She was part of a group of girls trying their hand in part time jobs trying to market an Internet dongle from a reputed company of that time. One of my friend noticed her and we were just looking at her. And he asked me whether I wanted to go and talk to her. Just to make a conversation. I obliged. We went to her and I could feel the attraction between us. She had a smile and I felt she wanted me to talk to her. The thought that a girl is attracted to you makes a guy go nuts and crazy. For a moment I forgot I had a girl 900 kms away and I started chatting with her. She started explaining some technical stuff and the pricing of the dongle she was marketing and she went to get the manager guy who knew much details about. I was pretending to be listening to him with my eyes always on her all the time. After all the talk she came up with a sheet of paper with names and numbers on it. She asked me if I wanted to give my name and number so that they may call if they get any good offers on the Internet package. Wow. She was asking asking for my name and number. And this was the first time it has ever happened in my life. I jotted down my number and name on the sheet of paper and gave it to her with a smile. I knew she was going to text me.

"Hi. This is the girl whom you met at the mall" was the text I got from her later that night. And I was excited. I forgot about my girl and started texting her the whole night after cutting short the phone call with my girlfriend in Hyderabad. We even agreed to meet the next day in the beach nearby to my place. I was diving deep down into a "bottomless" abyss. It went on for a week or two and things started getting serious. We chatted in the Yahoo IM, texted and I was flirting with her. I didn't realize what I was up to until she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. It hit me that time. I felt guilty and came to my senses. I was avoiding my girlfriend or giving excuses not to talk so that I can text her and now this girl is asking me to be her lover. I had to let my girlfriend know about this. I had to get it off my chest. All the excitement and the harmless flirting has turned into something monstrous and I had a feeling I am going to do something stupid.

I called my girlfriend in Hyderabad that night and told her about the girl I met at the mall and the texts we have been sending each other. She felt cheated and told me she has to think about us and that it has been a great mistake. I felt a huge ball of guilt blocking my heart and throat. I wanted to let out my feelings. Maybe the thought of me getting dumped was huge to my ego and I started begging and pleading to her to give me another chance. I even begged to her friends to let them know how I felt about her. It went on for another couple of nights and then I gave up. I called her and told her that I have come to the last of my begging and that I am sorry for everything and I hung up the phone.

Maybe every single human wants to be wanted and liked. The need for someone to rely or be with. The thought of losing someone is always hard for people. The realization that you are not going to be wanted anymore makes them act differently. She called me and said she wants me too. I was riding the crest of the wave and somehow I felt it will be the last crest I would ever reach. I felt I never loved her in the first place and it was just an egotistical experience to see how being wanted felt like. Irony is, my ego didn't want to let anything go. I didn't want to let her go. It was the first(hopefully the last?) adultery I had committed in my life, even though there was no physical touch involved.

On the pretext of going to a job interview, in fact I really had an interview. I booked a ticket to Hyderabad for a week and my parents agreed to the same. Strange how parents always have a weak spot for the younger son when they don't allow the older one to do anything. I spent New Year's eve with my friends while my older brother wasn't allowed to do so and he had complained about the partiality to them. I reached Hyderabad and stayed in my friend's place and had my formals on for the interview the same day. I reached the offices of the company and they told me to drop the resume and shove off. No interview. Nothing. Just drop the resume and leave. I told them about the call I had got and how I was supposed to be having a meeting with them. They said that it is a standard procedure for everyone. I felt betrayed. And I felt it was not the only thing which was about to happen that week.

I called my girlfriend and told her about the disappointment I had faced. I wanted to meet her and she agreed to meet in a mall. She told she will come with one of her friends (whom I had begged to before). I met both of them and they were shopping while I tried to do some small talk. It wasn't working at all. It was so obvious to both of us. It was like a wall has been erected between us. Nothing to talk about and nothing to smile or laugh about. It wasn't going to last long but still the Leo in me didn't want to give up. After an indifferent lunch and some small talk, they both started to leave. And that was the last time I was going to see her. Period. I grabbed an auto rickshaw and started home while she climbed on to her friend's two wheeler and rode off leaving her hugely unsuccessful and difficult, short relationship behind.

I didn't meet her for the next two days and my angry self came to the forefront again. I traveled about 900 Kms to meet her and she didn't even text me. I was selfish. What she was going through didn't matter me at all. I wanted to have my way. I wanted things to happen how I wanted them to happen. I sent an rather sarcastic, indifferent text to her and she texted back saying its all over between us and that she was sorry for everything. I was enraged. How can she do that? I came all the way over for her and she is doing this to me? TO ME? I called her that night and I was practically shouting at her, with my friend reminding me to keep my voice down so that his parents don't hear my screaming. I was crying and made her cry. I never thought how she felt about it. She was living with her parents, her younger sister and she was crying too. I was selfish. "How could you do this to me?" I never thought I will ever use the word against her. I used it. I told her to "F*** Off". That was the nail on my coffin. I regretted it the next day though. The anger, the disappointment. Everything had formed into huge ball of words which made me regret.

Anger is the source of any downfall. Anger which is always the end result of anything when things doesn't go your way. If you didn't get the video game console you had always wanted, you cry at your parents. If you didn't get to go to the school excursion trip you shout or stop talking to them. But the thing with your parents' is that one smack on her cheek and you come back to your senses. They will still love you the next day. But not someone you knew for a year. You piss or hurt someone, they let you go. You aren't worth the words let alone be a part of their life. The calmer self came to the forefront and I apologized to her for my choice of words. But she was the gentle calm self. She didn't ask me to go f*** myself or anything. She calmly asked me to accept her as another friend or she will stop talking to me. She was in the driver's seat now. I was the guy who either had to accept things and know my place or risk losing the friendship too. I could never be her friend. I wanted to be her love. I wanted to have her in my life. I wanted to make love to her. Raise kids with her.

The week was up and I left for home. She sent me a farewell text message and she said she was sorry for everything. We had broken up. Although I texted her for the next couple of months. A one way communication of course.

I had experienced what love and being wanted felt like. Not to brag but I also realized that, I had what it takes to woo women. For the next 5-6 years of my life, I have put it to test and pulled out at the last minute before things got serious.  I don't know whether I am capable of loving someone forever. The thought of being with a girl for the rest of your life is terrifying. Maybe it is also because I haven't met the perfect one or The One. Only time will tell.

I want to end this blog with a quote from the famous and my favorite actor Jack Nicholson:

"When you look at life retrospectively, you rarely regret anything that you did, but you might regret things that you didn't do."

Till then. Ta-ta.

PS: The girl whom I met in the mall is married now and I tried to get things going with her after the breakup but then she didn't want me. Another quote "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush". I didn't have any in the end :)

The Beginning of the End! Part-2

Four years since my last post. Wow. A lot has changed. As we Indians say, I became a man (in a lot of contexts). I traveled a lot in America. I took my first international vacation to Israel, though it was just for one week. A post on that later. Las Vegas did make me forget a lot and accepted me as a part of it. Back to the future now.

Here I am in Hyderabad on a public holiday, checking into a hotel at Lakdikapul with the manager there asking me if I need a room facing the street or want a quiet room for studying. I preferred the quiet room and got settled in after letting my girlfriend know that I will meet her in an hour or two. I got freshened up, took an auto-rickshaw and left for Himayat Nagar- a place where my school is and a lot of places for youngsters to hang out and also the place where I was to be interrogated by her friends. There she was tall, dark(I mean the hair here. I never got the exact meaning of what it is meant to add beauty to) and beautiful standing with her friend. After a few exchange of pleasantries we went to the fast food joint where three more of her friends joined us. And I was nervous as shit. Almost a foot shorter than my girl(not exactly a foot but a few inches. Three exactly) and with her friends looking at both of us, thinking whether to accept me as their best friend's boy, giggling at each other. It was almost as if the supervisors were discussing whether to give a salary raise or not, as I already had the job. The four girls sounded nice and and were nice to me as well. Later my girl told me that they liked me.

After meeting them I started back to my hotel. Since I wasn't earning anything back then and with a limited six notes of the five hundred denomination I just slipped into my bed, switched on the TV and dozed off. The rest of the day or night was spent talking to her on phone and deciding the places as to where to meet the next day. We met the next day and she bunked her college and we went to a movie, lunch and then to a beautiful park called 'Lotus Pond'. Its a beautiful park and it was pretty obvious it was maintained by a private group when the security guard started following us everywhere inside, making sure we were not making out. Still we found a way to outsmart him and into a beautiful enclosure of flowers and benches. I pulled her to the side, by the wall and kissed her cheek and neck. I was hot. Literally. I was burning like crazy. She was a little taken aback when she touched me. When I was about to kiss her (she wasn't ready for that though), lo and behold the guard found us. He didn't say anything, he was just watching and that was enough to creep us out. We left the enclosure, roamed around the park a little more. Took some pics of her off her phone and we were on way back to home. I dropped her off and went to my hotel room.

It was the day to leave Hyderabad and it was ethnic day in her college. So she told me that she wont be able to meet me afterwards and that I can come and meet her at the spot where she takes the bus to college. I was shaken a little. My ego was bursting out. It was like "Here I am, travelling 1400 KMs to meet her and spending four days inside a hotel room doing nothing and she says she cant meet me?" I agreed to meet her there. I checked out of my hotel room and was down to my last 400 bucks. Still, I took an auto and reached her place. Her dad dropped her in their Maruti car. Wow. She was stunning. I meant my girl. She was in a dark blue saree with a black blouse. I still remember that moment. She was gorgeous. She came and said "Hi" and we chatted a little before her friends joined her. Her friends started wondering who she is talking to. She joined them and was talking to them while I started simmering. The Leo in me couldn't hold himself any longer and I told her am leaving and got hold of an auto to the railway station.

On the way, the Leo in me got back to his senses and called her. She was angry. The Libra's wrath was no match for the Leo. She was on the bus to her college and she didn't talk anything. I said sorry multiple times and then she spoke. Everything she said felt right to me. I begged for her forgiveness and she agreed to meet me later. In a few hours time. Mindful of the diminishing finances, I took a bus this time. I met her in the bus stand and we took an auto to nowhere. We didn't know where to go. We told the driver a destination and he went on while we chatted and made up. When we had already reached the destination, we changed autos and got back to the same place where we got previous auto. We did a lot of touching and we(read I) couldn't take the hands off each other. Now I realize, why the monks are celibate. A single touch of a woman will make you crazy and forget everything. I dropped her at her home, said our goodbyes and was on my way to the station. I took my luggage from the cloak room and boarded the train back with 50 rupees in my hand.

It has just started. Time for the downfall.

The Beginning of the End! Part-1

Hey guys. Wassup. I ended my last blog post with how I went back home after dropping her home. I then left for Chennai and my friends came to see me off. That was the best New Year I had ever had and will always remain. At home in Chennai, they were the days of my final year project and we four of us friends used to roam around in the name of working for our ambitious project for a big ATM manufacturing company. I missed her a lot. A lot. I used to call her in the nights as it was the only time I could get some privacy. My mom started growing suspicious. She kept asking me who it was and whom you are talking to at this time of the night. She knew it was a girl. And then I started talking in the evenings. I used to tell her that am going to my friend's place and take a walk along the beach or just go to the terrace of my building and talk to her. I was waiting for my holidays to get over so that I can go to my college, where I wont be under the watchful eyes of my doting mom. I then realised that these are some of the extra packages which you have to carry alongwith the bigger package called 'Love'. I readied myself for that.

Finally my holidays got over and I left for my college. Once in college, my friends started asking my story and I told them. So, all was going well till then. I didnt know why. Maybe I started to take her for granted, (even tough I tried not to) fissures started to develop. Small small fights and altercations. Most of them because of me. But what I didnt realise was that, the things which seem insignificant or small now, would grow into something bigger and dangerous in the future. And it did. Along with all the romaticised messages, chats and calls, we also had our share of tiffs. 'Yours truly' being the reason for all of them. I would say something really stupid which I will realise only after I had uttered them. I behaved in the most immature way and she the most mature for a girl 3 years younger to me.

Possessiveness started to raise its ugly head. Well it is good for a relationship but everytime if that was a reason for any fight, then its a very serious issue. Long distance relationship wasn't working out as how we expected it will. But we just thought all of these as passing clouds. I loved talking to her. Loved her voice, her innocence and all these fights didnt matter to me because she was the one I wanted. I loved her. I was hell bent on making this relationship work. But to make it more stronger I had to meet her, but that was not a possibility since I had a college to attend to and was shortage of cash to travel all the way to Hyderabad. What I thought was impossible became possible. My college organised culturals for three days in March'08 and I decided it would be the perfect time to go and meet her. I planned to bunk two more days of college so that I can stay a little more longer with her. Everything was planned except the most important thing. Money. What will I do for five days in Hyd? That too I have to stay in a hotel, have to eat, have to take her out and I was severly short of cash.

I did something which I hated doing. I borrowed cash from five of my friends. Five hundred each. That made me richer by 2500 and I put in a 1500 more making it 4k. I told them that I will pay them in installments before we complete college. I did it because she was important to me. More than my principles. I booked my tickets taking a long route to avoid Chennai. Last thing I wanted was being seen by my family. I booked a bus to Bangalore. And then from there a train to Hyderabad. Trichy to Bangalore took me eight hours and then from there to Hyderabad took another 10 hours. So total 18 hours of travel. Only a Paulo Coelho's 'The Devil and Miss Prym' for company. I was damn tired. But the very thought of meeting her made my tiredness disappear. I was ready to do anything for her and I did.

New Year continues....

Hey all. Continuing from where I left, I then took her to the one off the most beautiful places in Hyderabad, The Lotus Pond. It is a park with a beautiful lake in the middle surrounded by beautiful flowers and trees, right in the middle of the city (see the pic which I have uploaded in this blog). But, unfortunately it was closed. So we just roamed around in the auto,(after giving the kinetic to one of my friends...you know she feared being seen by somebody :^)) with me boring her with how much I loved her, how I prayed to God for her and stuff like that. She sang for me. Wow what a beautiful voice. Everything of her felt sweet and good. Her voice, her touch, her giggle and not to forget the dimples, I felt I had got an angel right beside me, a taller angel ;^). It was a New Year day and she got a call from her mom and she told me that she has to leave as they are going out somewhere. I then helped her out in catching an auto and then I went home.

I was on cloud nine. The whole New Year's Day was spent narrating the day's incidents to my friends. I met her the next day, in the morning again at 8. We then went to another famous eat out and had breakfast. By now, the news that am in a relationship had reached all my friends and I started getting calls. I then convinced all of them that I will tell everything in detail when we meet in college. After breakfast, we didnt know where to go. She didnt want to go to any places, where there is a chance of her being seen with me by her cousin or relatives or college friends. So the options became very limited. We then thought a movie would be a good choice and then decided to go to TZP. We booked the tickets and were waiting when I got a call from my friend that he is giving a treat, as it was his girlfriend's birthday that day and he asked me to bring my 'Love' too. I then asked my 'Love' whether she wanted to go and she said 'Yes'.

We then went to the restaurant and waited there. My friends arrived and I introduced her to every one of them during lunch. I was leaving for home that day and I had to catch a train at 6. We then took leave of our friends and went to the nearest coffee shop where we shared some sweet nothings over a cup of coffee. I didnt want to leave her and I wished I could stay in Hyd forever. With her. But I had to leave. I then dropped her and went home.

A New Year dawns!!

I was woken up by the ring of my cell phone at 8 in the morning. It was her. She called up and said that she is waiting for me at the bus stop. I was full goggy and my head hurt. I didnt want to go but at the same time I wanted to meet her, apologise for whatever happened the previous night and explain to her how I respect her decision regarding our relationship. Without brushing my teeth and the odour of alcohol hanging in my breath, I met her at the bus stop. She was dressed in black. Beautiful as ever. I picked her up in my friend's Kinetic Honda and went to one of the famous hangouts in Hyderabad. We had breakfast and I apologised for being so stupid and selfish. Her eyes were fully puffy, because I made her cry. We were silent for sometime talking about other stuff. She then told me why she wanted to meet me. She said that she came to tell me that this relationship will never ever work(and she was right as I learnt later on). But she said that after seeing me, she changed her mind and said that she loves me. I coudn't believe what I was hearing. I came to meet her to apologise to her and to leave her at peace, but what was happening was the complete opposite. I wanted to say 'No' to her, but my instinct told otherwise.

I didn't know what to do. My instinct told me to accept her, but my mind wont accept. Eventually my instinct won and I said that even I loved her. That moment felt so good.
'I felt like I found my other half which I was missing all these days. Some feeling of contentment. Love is a beautiful feeling! And to be in love one must be lucky. I was the happiest man in the world. Not because I got what I wanted but I realised how you have to struggle to get the person you love. But in the end all these struggle doesn't matter. All that matters is the person with you. How you love him or her'.

All these thoughts went through my mind. :)

The New year drama!!

She didn't like me. It was obvious from her expressions and body language. She expected much more and I let her down. Frankly speaking it took me sometime to get adjusted, even I had some expectations and so the feeling mutual. She wasnt the way I presumed and me nowhere near her "Man's" league. But I loved her and set aside all my thoughts to concentrate on the present. I started loving her before we both met and there was no way am going to go back, on my words and without her. We talked but most of the time it was the silence which prevailed, dont know why. Maybe because that was the first time we were meeting in some 6 years or both of us were really uncomfortable with eachother. The latter one seemed perfect. The interview was slipping away from my hands. And I could feel it. We had lunch, I then dropped her home and came to my friend's place. There was no message, no call nothing on my mobile. Everything was there to see. Spent the evening telling my friends about the meeting and went for a movie with them. It was going to be a long night.

I messaged her at night and then got a long message from her. She didnt like me(love..no need to talk about that).She tried to be subtle with her reasons and I understood. I sent her a message telling her that, I do understand her feelings.(she expected me to be at least as tall as her but I wasnt) I was heartbroken inside. I couldnt control my emotions but gathered all my will power to control it, as my male ego didnt permit me to cry in front of my friend. She wanted me to meet me the next day but I refused. I didnt want to meet her again. I deleted her pictures from the digicam which I took to show it to my friends. She wanted to be friends but my fucking ego wouldnt allow me to. I managed to sleep somehow, but then was disturbed everytime with the day's happenings. My anger mellowed and I messaged her agreeing to meet her the next day. It was New year's eve. The next morning I called her and she had bunked her college that day and told me that she wouldnt able to meet me as she didnt have any reason to tell her mom, so that she could go out. We spent the day chatting on the net. A grand party was being organised that night by the guys to usher in the new year. Booze party of course.

We spent the day chatting. Chatting about everything that happened in a span of 6 months. About ourselves. It went till 10 something in the night. It was New Year's eve and people were excited about the new tomorrow. Will it bring in good luck?will it bring in happiness?But the only thing going on in my mind was 'her'. Will it bring her to me?I didnt know. My friend and I left for the party on a terrace at one of our friend's place. There were some fifteen of us. All ready to get drunk(puke, of course)and welcome the new year. The whole family of the friend in whose place we were drinking, were ecstatic and two of his brothers also came to drink with us. Lots of booze flowed that day. Two full bottles of whiskey, Imperial Blue I think, Smirnoff vodkas,Tang orange juice for the cocktail and nice egg curry,biryanis. All set for a perfect farewell to 2007. With music blaring our ears we drunk like a horse. Everyone got high. A perfect 'Talli'. At the stroke of midnight we welcomed the New Year. I got high and blurted out what happened the previous day to everyone there. I couldn't control my emotions. I cried. In front of some fifteen of them. I had never cried for a long time till then. For a girl I cried. The liquor did the trick. It brought out all the good and bad in me.

I called her up to wish her. I wished her and started shouting at her. I didnt know what I was doing. All the thing came out. I told her that I loved her for what she was, eventhough I was not perfect enough for her(as she thought). I cried on the phone. I thought "God Damn!Whats happening to me?"My friend took over the phone and started talking to her. As both of them shared the same mother tongue. He started lobbying(is it the right word?) for me. Telling all the niceties about me. She wanted to meet me the next day. Everyone were so drunk that, everyone started puking in whatever corner they could find. We slept at four in the morning. I didnt know what the 'New Year' had in store for me. But I had decided that, I will respect her decision. Maybe that was good for both of us. I had made up my mind. I slept.

The Meeting!!

Continuing from where I left, after that afternoon when we talked about committment I thought it would be better to stop talking to her. I didnt call for some four days and the fifth day I called her. She asked me why I didn't call and then I gave an excuse that I didn't have enough balance in my phone to make a call. Well, then we started talking again with no topic related to the dangerous yet powerful four letter word. We talked,talked and talked and I proposed her one day. I just told it. A proposal with no drama,no flowers(though outdated or is it???),no bending on one knee and no candle light. It just happened.The unpredictable 'Shyam' took over. And that was the first and only proposal I had ever made to a girl!She was surprised now. And she said 'Yes'. Then all happened in a flash, we were in love.

For the first time in life I felt am lucky to have a girl like her. I wanted to love her, be with her,didnt care how she was(remember we havent seen each other till now),fat or thin,tall or short,pretty or not. I have already fallen for her and I didnt want to lose her. The next few months saw us getting more comfortable and me a little more possessive. Maybe was that the reason??Time would tell. My friends got suspicious about the late night phone calls and messages I received. You know all the "kuchi kuchiku" messages :) They called her up from my phone and gave her a series of missed calls. And she called back and they asked whats happening between both of us. She replied that "Why dont you ask him?"From that day my friends started to tease me. And I was happy getting teased. Because I was being teased with someone whom I wanted to spend my life with.

Days went by and it was the winter of '07. I wanted to see her. Which meant I had to travel to Hyderabad for that. And I didnt mind travelling any distance to see her. But one thing was always niggling me at the back of my mind. The "Height" factor. I thought I was shorter than her. And felt that she must not feel cheated or disappointed, as she would have had a picture of her 'man' already in her mind. I told her some three weeks before leaving for hyd. Maybe that was a little late, as six months later she told me that I lied about my height. More about the "six months later" later. She called me and assured me that she loves me and nothing else matters. Still I was feeling somewhat different. The vibes werent positive. I felt what the hell and got on, with a "Lets face it when it comes" attitude. It didnt take much time to get permission from my parents as I told them that I wanted to be with my friends for "New Year". They agreed and let me go. Never expected to happen this smooth. I left for hyderabad on 29th December. I couldnt sleep that night. It was like going into an interview with no idea whether you will get selected or not. I met her the next day at a restaurant for lunch. Everything was there in front of my eyes!! All the vibes which I felt came true.